Inch @sem, Inch Badmem?

by Shant Norashkharian

An American friend asked me:

      "Is it true that you Armenians have two popes?"
     "Well", I answered, "not exactly, we have two catholicoses."
     "Call it what you want", he said, "but how can you have two heads of the same Church?"
     "Well", I answered, "not exactly, one is the catholicos of all Armenians, and the 'other one'...the catholicos's too complicated...historical reasons..."
     "OK, but isn't there only one who really runs the show?"
     "Well", I answered, "not exactly, but things are really changing...when the 'other one' came to Los Angeles last year, he said the two were finally reconciled and that the other was really the head of all Armenians".
     "So what did he call himself?"
     "I don't think he called himself anything!"
     "So what does 'the other' one do?"
     "He visits heads of state, the pope, goes to fund raising parties, takes a lot of smiling photos, gives great speeches and bestows medals upon the great souls who donate big bucks to the Church. That is how our merchant/benefactors earn their salvation in heaven."
     "Then what does the first one do?"
     "He does the same, but he does all of that first, then the other follows his tracks after a couple of months. It really works well for us, because if the first one is not noticed, usually the second one would be."
     "'re still not telling me...why do you have two catholicoses?"
     "Let's put it this way; The Armenian Church believes in free enterprise and competition. Therefore, this way monopoly of church services is prevented and the competition keeps down the fees of the wedding and funeral services. If you had one catholicos and he tripled the prices of the funerals, then where would you go when God called you? You would still have to pay it, wouldn't you?"
     "Now, you're pulling my're kidding, aren't you?"
     "Would I kid with you about such a thing? For an Armenian a catholicos is way, way above kidding, way above the law and way above everything else. He could get away with murder, and he would not need O.J. Simpson's Dream Team either. We don't ask them any questions. For us they are above questions, way, way above."
     "How can that be? Even the US president, the most powerful person on earth, is not above the law."
     "This is America, that is Armenia. Inch @sem, inch badmem?"
     "I said one inch above the law, one inch below the law, what difference does it make?"
     "These things are above my head, I tell you!"
     "One inch above, one inch below, inch @sem, inch badmem?"

* * *

      "Did you hear the latest?" Asked an Armenian relative the other day.
     "Inch ga, chiga?" I answered.
     "Can you believe they could clone a sheep? Make it exactly the same as its father, with ALL the chromosomes?"
     "You must be joking! So everything is exactly the same? Same black spots in the same places, same face, same height...?"
     "Same everything, a black and white carbon copy!"
     "Are you saying the same could be done for humans one day?"
     "Sure, why not? It's exactly the same procedure. It is simple and does not need a lot of technology. They are taking the female's chromosomes out of the female's egg and replacing it with the male's. Unbelievable!"
     "So what does this mean for mankind?"
     "This means we could have a hundred Bill Clintons, all exactly the same!"
     "What a nightmare! Don't you think one Bill Clinton is enough for a lifetime?"
     "OK, but think of what it means for us, the Armenian nation."
     "We always suffered from small numbers, so there may be some use for us there."
     "Think how great it could be for us. Instead of two catholicoses, we could have two hundred, or while we are at it, two thousand!"
     "Perant kher pats, ay dgha! We don't know what to do with two of them, what shall we do with two thousand?"
     "Think of the enormous benefits for the nation. First, instead of two fund raising events a week, we could have two thousand. Since this will require opening more Swiss accounts, we will help the Swiss economy and they will love us."
     "Then the merchant/benefactors will be happy because the price of salvation will go down, you know, supply and demand, free market, free Armenia."
     "We could have a new head of state visited by a catholicos every day of the week. We could have a great speech every hour of the day. The Armenian papers would have so many smiling photos that they would not have to fill up empty spaces with poetry anymore. Think about it! Just think about it!"
     "I am thinking! I am thinking! The medal factory in Echmiadzin would be working day and night, more workers, more jobs, better economy."
     "Truckloads of Armenian brandy and ishkhanatsoug heading to Echmiadzin. Did you know that the government sold the Armenian brandy factory for $20,000? A friend at the top is worth a hundred golden geese at the bottom!"
     "OK, but ishkhanatsoug is an endangered species. Can you imagine 2,000 catholicoses dining on ishkhanatsoug every day?"
     "Don't worry about that. They say like Jesus they can make 5,000 fish and loaves of bread from only one."
     "And instead of two mouthpieces for the Armenian president, there would be two thousand. Inch @sem, inch badmem!"
     "OK, OK, you convinced me. Clone the catholicoses. O, Armenian nation, your salvation is in...cloning your catholicoses...!"

* * *

Two Armenians meet at the local agoump for a game of backgammon. As soon as the "doo shesh" and the "shesh besh" start getting louder and the faces get redder, another fellow player walks in holding an open letter in his hand and says:

      "Read this, guys, read it and cry! You ain't heard nothin' yet!"
     "Don't interrupt us, Margos, this is a critical moment", says one.
     "Not now, please, this game needs a lot of concentration!" says the other.
     "You must read this, I am telling you, it's from my brother in Jerusalem, all the Armenians there are talking about it."
     "OK, OK, go ahead read it to us. I can teach this guy another lesson anytime."
     "My brother wrote: 'the Patriarch here is selling Armenian properties which had belonged to the Church for hundreds of years with prices way below market, and no one knows where the money is. Whenever we ask about them, they say these are only 99 year leases, so there is no money from a sale.' What the hell is going on?"
     "Margos jan, that is why we have two catholicoses, with the greatest salaries and perks in the world. Why don't you take that letter to them and let them worry about it, and let us finish our game?"
     "You think they don't know about it? Everyone in Jerusalem knows about it. When was the last time that you heard a bishop who stole from the Church was fired?"
     "Well then, let the Armenians in Jerusalem worry about it."
     "They did. But their numbers have shrunk in the last decade and they have little political clout. Beside, the Jews are "leasing" these properties, so you think they will have any fair hearing in the courts?"
     "Well, Margos jan, at least we are getting something for our lands. The poor Arabs have deeds and houses and families living on the lands, and yet without warning the Israeli bulldozers show up one morning and pull everything down, and the whole family ends up living in tents on their ancestral lands, until they are evicted from there as well to make room for new Jewish settlements. Who said the bulldozer is not a weapon of terrorism?"
     "That's a different story. No one is forcing us to give up our properties for pennies on the dollar."
     "Pennies are better than nothing. Play backgammon, drink your oghi and eat your kebab. Is it up to you to fix the world?"
     "Did you hear that a Jewish-American businessman offered millions of dollars for a small property owned by an Arab shopkeeper close to the Wailing Wall and he refused to sell?"
     "That Arab may be a true patriot to you, but to me he is a fool! Millions of dollars? That's more than all the welfare checks I will be getting until the day I die, and I am only 42."
     "What happened to you, man? You were a proud, caring Armenian when you came here. Now you are nothing more than a glorified beggar".
     "What do you say? This is America, eat, drink, have good time. Have fun, hahaha, have lots of fun, aghper jan."
     "Inch, @sem, inch badmem!"

* * *
Copyright 1997 by Shant Norashkharian

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